The Emotional Rollercoaster of Being Mixed Race in the Current Racially Divisive Climate
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The damaging psychological impact of having to explain racism is exhausting, and I’m tired. My heart is heavy, and I’m in the midst of an ongoing emotional war with myself. I’m fed up of seeing Black lives trending on Twitter, another news report about a Black murder, another article about racial injustice. Being mixed race, half Black and half White, only amplifies my discomfort and grief. Feeling a sense of belonging is difficult for me at the best of times let alone in the midst of a racial pandemic. I’m rarely seen for who I am, and I often find my identity conflicting. So buckle up, I’m going to walk you through what it means to be a woman of mixed heritage in the current racially divisive climate.
Being mixed race is complex, the words used to describe me vary. From ‘half-cast’ to ‘multiple ethnicities’ to ‘woman of colour’, these recreations of my identity have taken place over the course of time. I didn’t change, my identity didn’t change, but what people referred to me as did. I think the one I hate the most is ‘half-cast’ as this implies I’m half of something, not whole or complete. Mainstream media has appropriated my heritage by celebrating my Whiteness whilst downplaying my Blackness, as if there’s any justifiable way to do so. Both are beautiful, and both are a part of me.
We live in a society embedded with racist beliefs, a lot of these values fundamental to the world we exist in. 2020 has brought paralysing hardship upon the Black community, the situation is severe. The empty promises, fake gestures of allyship, dehumanisation, and acts of brutality are endless. We all have a lot of work to do to clean up this mess. But where do I stand, where does my part to play come into all of this? As someone who sits on the border of two warring groups, not fully integrated in either, it’s hard for me to know what to do. I’m full of rage, sadness, and fear. My anxiety levels are through the roof. In this tense racial climate, being mixed race has exposed conflicting feelings I’d long forgotten existed.
Racism is a global issue, it's everywhere you turn (whether you choose to see it or not). Growing up experiencing racism from people of my own ethnic background has left me feeling confused, and at times ashamed. I’ve never felt like I belong, not really. I mute or tame myself to fit in, and when I do try and speak up I’m told I’m ‘playing the race card’. The worst thing is I’m usually told that by someone who should be identifying with me. Explaining racism to those who refuse to acknowledge their prejudices exist is like talking to a brick wall, it’s an unfair burden to place on those who have no choice but to experience it.
Image via Unsplash.
Microaggressions, death by a thousand cuts, come from those you least expect. Colleagues, friends, even family members are some of the worst culprits when saying ignorant things they view as harmless. I’ve experienced this in the workplace, in social settings, and even within my own family. Experiencing racism in your day-to-day life will impact your mental health and emotional wellbeing, and not for the better. It's made me feel like I’ve never completely fit in with my Westernised White counterparts, nor with my Black Caribbean roots, and I’ve always been resentful of that. Over time I’ve learnt that I’m not the problem here, the underhand nature of racism is.
If you ask someone where they’re from, and they reply, accept whatever answer they give you. I am who I am and I’m from where I’m from, I can’t change that and I didn’t have a hand in deciding the matter. If I’m not being called exotic, I’m being told ‘your pretty for someone who’s part Black’. Neither is a compliment. I’m not an object for you to fetishise, and I don’t deserve to be treated as such. To some I have too much pigment, to some I have too little. Melanin is beautiful regardless of the degree of pigmentation, all skin tones are worthy of love and acceptance. I’m not pretty despite the blackness/colour of my skin, I’m pretty because of it.
As a mixed race woman, as a Black woman, as a White woman, I’m asking you to broaden your mind. Challenge your biases and inclination to pre-judge based on the colour of someone's skin. I’ve never felt like I belonged in one place, I’ve never slotted neatly into one community, I’ve always been in limbo. In that weird in-between place. I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster for decades, and it’s time for that to end. It’s time for me to accept and appreciate all parts of my culture and my identity for what they are. We all deserve to feel proud of our heritage, our background, our culture, our roots, our race - whatever they may look like.
When you know better you do better - Maya Angelou
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter to see more of what I’m up to, and I’ll see you same time same place next week!
Catch you soon,
J’Nae
WHAT I’VE BEEN READING:
- One of my most recent Kindle purchases was ‘Common People: An Anthology of Working-Class Writers’ and the premise of the book really intrigued me. Working-class stories aren’t told often, and when they are they’re usually bleak. It’s great to read a collection of stories/poems, varying in range and depth, from writers who come from a working-class background. Its not all doom and gloom!
WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING:
- Dark on Netflix has me hooked. Half the time I’m not too sure what’s going on in this mind-boggling show, but if sci-fi/thriller/time travel with a twist is your thing then this is the series for you. I’m midway through Season 2. It’s worth nothing this is Netflix’s first ever series entirely authored, shot, and produced in Germany.
WHAT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO:
- I recently watched a throwback movie from my childhood, and the song that played in the ending credits was ‘Mya Ft. Blackstreet, Mase, & Blinky Blink- Take Me There’. I forgot how much I loved this song, I’ve been playing it non-stop since!
WHAT’S CAUGHT MY EYE:
- One account I’m constantly saving posts from on IG is @wetheurban - an account that celebrates inclusivity, self-love, and marginalised voices. Follow them to see some feel good action in your feed.
ON MY BLOG:
- ‘Sustainable Beauty Swaps’ gives you a little guide as to what you can do to make your beauty purchases and beauty routine a little more eco-friendly.