The Gap Between Where I Am And Where I Want To Be
Taking a risk on myself, for myself.
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Sometimes I berate myself for where I’m at in life. I see the distance between where I am and where I want to be as an impossible mountain to climb, not knowing if I’ll ever reach the top is one of those gut wrenching feelings I can’t seem to shake. This foreboding angst messes with my head. I doubt myself and I question myself, and even though I know it’s wrong, I can’t find my way out of this perilous loop. I’m unsure if what I’m doing aligns with the type of life I want to lead, and if my current actions are going to get me where I want to be. Is there ever any real way to know, to truly know, if what you're doing right now is worth it? If you’ll get to where you want to be in the end?
What you and I each want for ourselves may differ, but an underlying commonality is that at times we all want more than what we currently have. Much of this has to do with living in a 21st century technology driven landscape. I’ll admit I’m guilty of comparing my life to what I see online, sometimes there’s just no escaping it. I see what others have, I see what and where they’ve come from, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. I admire determined individuals for what they’ve managed to achieve, and naturally I want a slice of the pie.
How did they do it? What’s so special about them? What do they have that I don’t? We think these things in private, we’re usually too scared to voice such questions aloud for fear of how it may make us look. We all want to lead successful and fulfilling lives, but what that really means is another one of those unanswerable questions we’ll forever not know.Â
Figuring out a clear trajectory for how we get to where we want to be in life is far from plain sailing. It’s more like dangling precariously at the edge of a cliff, not sure if we should teeter our way down the jagged mountain edge, or jump without looking back. This year I took a huge risk and I jumped. I invested a lot of time, and a lot of money, in returning to education. This wasn’t something I ever imagined doing at my age. I’m now studying a field I’ve wanted to immerse myself in for a long time, with no real way of knowing whether or not I’ll ever be successful at it, and no way of knowing if this investment I’m making in myself, and in my future, will ever pay off. If anything, the gap between where I am and where I want to be has now increased. And that scares the hell out of me.
How do I get to where I want to go? How do I create the life that endures in my daydreams? I’m not sure there’s any way of ever really knowing. I often fantasise about the type of person I want to be, the type of life I want to live, where I’ll end up residing, what car I’ll drive, what my eventual career will look like. But I’m beginning to wonder if I’m putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic, and are getting in the way of what’s meant to be. Am I robbing my current self of happiness and joy by thinking this way? Is there anyone else out there that feels like I do? Or am I alone, an anomaly? I don’t know. And that’s the crazy thing about this journey we’re on called life, I’m not sure any of us will ever really have the answers to such complex questions.
That uneasy feeling that lingers at the bottom of my stomach isn’t likely to dissipate anytime soon. Feelings of doubt will always be there, I’ll always question if what I’m doing is the right thing to do. I wonder if I’ll regret the choices I’ve made, if I should have made different decisions somewhere along the line to get me to where I want to be. I’ll forever puzzle over if what I’m doing is worth it. Each and every time I’m going to continue to bet on myself. I’m always going to take a risk on myself, for myself. My hope for you reading this is that you do the same.
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Catch you soon,
J’Nae
WHAT I’VE BEEN READING:
- I’m not ready to adopt all of the techniques Cal Newport suggests in his book Digital Minimalism, but even I can see the huge benefits in streamlining my technology usage. This is a really interesting read full of helpful and insightful take aways, as well as an insight into how society has become so tech-mad.
WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING:
- I haven’t yet read the book, but I watched this YouTube video where Roxane Gay interviews Torrey Peters about her new novel Detransition, Baby. Can’t wait to delve into this one.
WHAT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO:
- Nature. Yes I said it, I’ve been listening to nature. Now that springtime is finally here one of my favourite things to do is listen to birdsong, especially early in the morning when the world is just waking up to the day ahead.
WHAT’S CAUGHT MY EYE:
- Radio Garden is an app that lets you listen to different radio stations from across the globe, it's a pretty cool idea.
ON MY BLOG:
- We’ve all been there, stuck in a fashionable rut with a wardrobe full of clothes yet it still feels like we have nothing to wear. My latest blog post tackles how to switch up your style for the new season ahead.
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