The Gut Feelings I Can’t Shake..
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This week's newsletter is a little different, it's more of a personal essay/random thoughts I was having on a day where I felt particularly low...
I know we’ve all experienced tough times over the course of the past year, I think it's important we share and recognise this, and destigmatize the struggle I’ve no doubt we’ve all experienced at some point.
As always, feel free to comment and reach out if you’ve experienced anything similar. I’d also really appreciate it if you subscribed to J’Nae Writes and shared this post!
I'm finding it hard to know how to feel calm, and let go. Even when I'm doing one thing, I'm thinking about something else. Even when I'm doing something else, I'm thinking about what I can do next. Even when I've got to what I'm doing next, I'm thinking about what I can do after that, and after that, and after that. Will this perilous time loop ever end?
Distraction + procrastination = my arch nemesis. In a world where our attention is used against us, is it any wonder we are constantly distracted? In a world where we have never-ending to-do lists, is it any wonder we procrastinate and hold out on getting things done? I'm starting to wonder if I’ll ever finish anything, if I’ll ever create anything worthwhile ever again.
Am I falling down a deep hole of self-pity? Most likely. Evidently, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I see a lot of my current situation from a negative lens, I view my world as a judgemental outsider, sitting on the peripheral looking in. I contemplate, I judge, I critique. I find it hard to pause and remember all of the good I've got going for me. Normal parameters of how we measure success and productivity have become obsolete. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it’ll teach us to be more self-aware and more compassionate to ourselves.
I'm wondering what's the point. What's the point in doing this, what's the point in doing that... just what's the point? I count minutes, hours, days, weeks, not knowing what way life will shape itself. I jump from one thing to the next, and then circle back on myself having really gotten nowhere. I push and I pull at the innermost fragile parts of my being, in the hope that I’ll see some noteworthy change.
I wake up, I work, I check my emails, I scroll social media, I eat, I sleep, I repeat. It’s coming up to a year now that we’ve been forced to live this way. To live in the fear of the unknown, to not know what lies ahead. What paths should we take? Are we doing this thing called life right? Is there a right or a wrong way to do things anymore?
The pain, the tragedy, the suffering, its all-encompassing. It takes over. Subtly at first, then it hits you all at once. Are we in this together, or aren’t we? Who’s for who, and who’s for themselves? When we finally start to feel as if things are getting better and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, another bombshell drops. When we come out of this, if we ever do, will we be who we were to begin with? Will I still be me?
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter to see more of what I’m up to, and I’ll see you same time same place next week!
Catch you soon,
J’Nae
WHAT I’VE BEEN READING:
- I loved this mini comic by Aubrey Hirsch about the isolating effects of 2020, it was featured on Roxane Gay’s newsletter The Audacity.
WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING:
- Okay okay, so I gave in to the hype and watched Crime Scene: The Vanishing at Cecil Hotel. It was intriguing I’ll admit, with lots of twists and turns, but I felt a little blasé at the way things ended - anyone else?
WHAT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO:
- I recently discovered Jessie Reyez, and damn I’m really into her musical style and whole vibe. I particularly love this song Imported featuring 6LACK.
WHAT’S CAUGHT MY EYE:
- When people come together and show up for something bigger than themselves, something from which they’ll not personally gain in the slightest, I find these acts of selflessness incredible. I was moved to see people of ethnic minorities volunteer to help keep elderly Asian Americans in the United States safe in their own neighbourhoods, as the violence and threats against them rise.
ON MY BLOG:
- One of my favourite lockdown discoveries was the humble cardigan, you can read more about my love for cardigans here on my latest blog post.
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