The Joys & Pressure of Mid 20’s Singledom
And the outsider opinions that go with.
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So I’ve been single for a while now I’m not ashamed to admit. It doesn’t bother me at all to be honest, it's not something I really think about. But in an era where the visibility of single women is on the rise, it's made me take a long hard look at the reality of being single in my mid 20’s. The shame of being single comes at you from all angles. I don’t think there's anything wrong with it per se, but this humiliating notion that society invented is ever present. Everywhere you go as a single person, whether that be brunch, lunch, dinner, or for coffee, your singleness is discussed in hushed tones - as if talking about it makes it contagious. I used to want to fit in with those I’d see happily married or in long term relationships, I used to want someone just so the stigma associated with being single would end. I’m so glad I’m over that now.
Many thoughts permeate my single brain about the current state of my love life (or lack of). The first thing people seem to want to know about anyone who’s single is how close they are to finding a partner. I mean... what? Forget the fact that being single is seen as unfavourable from the get-go, I’ve always believed that my relationship status isn't anyone else’s business. There's so much to be said about societal standards of singleness which are all negative; they all imply feelings of failure, of doom, of wrongdoings. If the messages we send out to single people are all bad, what damage do you suppose this does to their feelings? How do you think this affects their self-worth? It’s this shame mongering that pushes people into settling for less than what they deserve and staying in unhappy unfulfilling relationships. Clearly, the idea of a happy single person is still going to take some getting used to.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like we’re living in a world that puts relationships on a pedestal whilst shaming singleness. As a single woman, the media spoon feeds me the idea that I’m damaged goods, I haven’t worked on myself enough yet, I haven’t fixed my flaws. Cleary I don’t love myself enough so I couldn’t possibly love someone else. Somehow it’s all my fault. The guilt of wanting to rectify being single is what keeps people going back for the same old crap - this needs to stop. I’m tired of this constant pressure to couple up. Personally, I think that being in a bad relationship is worse than being single. But that's just my opinion (which probably doesn’t count for a lot). The idea of settling down doesn’t appeal to me either. It sounds like the end of my independence, the end of my freedom. Well bollocks to that. When I do eventually find someone I care enough about to be in a relationship with, I don’t want anything to end, I want it to be the start of all sorts of new adventures.
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We know that the idea that our lives should all follow along the same timeline is complete and utter nonsense. And even though I know this and repeat it to myself time and time again, sometimes it still gets to me. When people I know from college have steady jobs in line with their career goals, when they marry, buy a house, have babies, and so on and so forth, it's easy for singletons like myself to feel bad about not having reached these milestones in adult life. We fade into the background, just a distant memory to our peers *cue the tumbleweed*. People in relationships get company, physical intimacy and tenderness, they get looked after, and their financial strain is lessened as they most likely split the costs between two. Single people have none of these luxuries. Life can be harder when you go it alone, it can test your limits and challenge you as a person. But for me, it makes even the small wins that much sweeter.
One thing that really annoys me, and I have to put it out there because I’ll regret it if I don’t, is the amount of TV shows dedicated to using single people as entertainment. The Bachelor, First Dates, Dinner Date, Love Island, and Too Hot To Handle to name a few, all exploit single people for the amusement of others. The feelings of these single people are considered worthless, we almost don’t care if they succeed in finding love or not, we're just here for the trash TV. Now I do realise that the people who sign up for these shows put themselves in the firing line to a degree, but when I see single people competing for a chance of love, whilst those sitting on the other side of the screen mock them, something about that just doesn’t sit right with me. Would you like it if the tables were turned, and the entire nation was sitting there laughing at you? I think not.
I realise that a lot of this newsletter is going to come off negative, and the cynics out there will probably say that's the bitter single woman in me talking. When I stopped caring about how I’m perceived because I’m single, I realised there's so much joy to be had that I overlooked because I was suffering from single shame. I love never having to share a bed. I love that when I travel I get to decide where I go, when I go, and I especially love that I get to decide everywhere I eat. I love that I never have to get someone else’s approval on anything. My independence has allowed me to have incredible experiences, such as flying half way across the world alone because that's what I wanted to do. I'm no longer going to apologise for enjoying my own company or for being content in my singleness. We’re taught from such a young age that to live happily ever after we must find our Prince Charming, I’m telling you don’t believe the hype. Single positivity is on the rise, and slowly society is catching up to the fact that being single isn’t such a curse after all. As of right now I’m not choosing to be single, but from now on I’m choosing to be happy whilst being single. Spot the difference.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter to see more of what I’m up to, and I’ll see you same time same place next week!
Catch you soon,
J’Nae
WHAT I’VE BEEN READING:
- I’ve always wanted a subscription to The New Yorker. I don’t know what it is but something about this publication screams well-read to me, and I have to admit I feel slightly bourgeois when reading it. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and subscribed to 3 months of the print edition with unlimited digital access, and I love getting it delivered each week in the post. Something tells me this is a subscription I’ll be renewing without hesitation.
WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING:
- I love cooking shows, or anything food related for that matter. One show that I think gets seriously overlooked is Bake Off: The Professionals. Sadly, the series ended last week but you can catch up on all the sweet stuff on All 4 now.
WHAT I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO:
- Readers, the #MichelleObamaPodcast on Spotify is finally here. This podcast is available to both free & premium listeners on the Spotify app, and her first guest in none other than former POTUS (and her beloved husband) Barack Obama. Need I say more? Watch the trailer for the podcast here.
WHAT’S CAUGHT MY EYE:
- Taking the social media world by storm, @wantshowasyoung is an account created by the grandson of an 83 & 84 year old couple based in Taiwan who own a laundromat. The couple have become Insta famous for wearing outfits curated from the hundreds of items left behind by absent-minded customers. Total couple goals.
ON MY BLOG:
- Here's a post from a few months back, my ‘Recommended Reads: May 2020’. I started this little series on my blog as a fun way to share what I’m currently reading, and books I can't wait to delve into. I’d love to hear your book recommendations so please feel free to share in the comments section.